Still Alive Saturday?

So it appears whatever they gave me in theatre worked… really really well. at 9pm I was still in recovery out for the count – only rousing to vomit.. nice!  I remember them trying to wake me and trying to talk but every time I moved I was sick.. then back to sleep again. They kept giving me anti sickness meds, then realised that they would be making me drowsy too! Eventually I woke up enough to leave their care as was transferred down to a side room on the women’s ward.

I don’t remember much that evening – I slept lots, vomited even more. But i dont remember waking in huge amounts of pain, it was uncomfortable dont get me wrong and I was dosed up but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.

The following morning the nurses appeared with two heart pillows for me. Now I knew about these pillows as my lovely friends at Breast Friends York make them, the shape is very important as they sit under your arm and support the area. The relief once I stuck one of them under each arm was amazing.

I had a drain coming from each side, this was to drain post op mank and fluid etc that my body would send to the expanse of space where my  boobs once were. The nurses had helpfully put them into carrier bags (no 5p charge!) so that I could toddle about easier with them.


I toddled off to the toilet feeling very strange. It hurt but not in a OMG who chopped off my boobs way, but in my arm and my shoulders, and across the top of my chest – a weird tightness. I had a look in the mirror in the toilet, and if im honest had a little cry. I couldn’t see anything as it was covered with bandages but it was flat, and strange and not me… and OMFG who fed me like a prime foie gras whilst I was in theatre cos Im damn sure my stomach wasnt that big when I went into theatre!

You see when you are a HH as I was, you see very little past your breasts –  my feet, my stomach.. all there of course but not in my eye-line, my clothes didn’t hug my stomach cos it was overshadowed by Mount Mamarries, but suddenly that was gone and all I could see was my huge stomach! I cried again.. balls this is getting to be a habit. I was also surprised at what felt like a huge dent under my arm pit. The doctor reassured me that if needed it could be sorted when I have a reconstruction, and I suppose removing a large lump will leave a hole but it took my by surprise, oh well I suppose I have somewhere to keep my phone now rather than in my bra!

The kids came to visit and were surprisingly un bothered by it all, they looked at my bandages and that was it. My hospital stay was longer than I expected, the pain although not excruciating was pretty bad across the top of my chest, but the tramadol etc had little effect – I expect cos I have been on it years so somewhat immune. This meant that my option was Oramorph, which was making me sick.. and they wouldn’t discharge me whilst I was still being sick. I was also anemic, coupled with surgery blood loss and the fact that the last 7 months has been like a high speed train ride I was shattered.. like properly exhausted, so in a way the rest helped.

Whilst I was in a breast nurse appeared from the unit – she brought some handmade drain bags so I no longer looked like a wino with my carriers as well as a pair – apparently a rare occurrence! – of soft prosthesis. She brought two sizes with her a c and a d cup.. i went with the bigger pair as I was already dealing with a lot of changes and felt going a lot smaller would be a step too far.


Millie adored them! she tested them for softness by laying her head on them and exclaiming awwww soft and squishy.. it remains to see if they look OK!



2 thoughts on “Still Alive Saturday?

  1. Kim Davies August 16, 2016 at 10:41 am Reply

    I cried a bit too when I read this. Your posts are wonderful and a real inspiration lovely.
    Hope you are healing well.
    Love and gentle hugs
    Kim xxx


  2. ajsartjournal September 1, 2016 at 5:35 pm Reply

    Hello Tracie, I saw your post on Facebook and I came to your blog and read it all from start to this post in one sitting. Wow what a roller-coaster ride you’ve been on, I cried and laughed. It resonated with me deeply, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in September 2014, it’s been a journey, I’m in remission now and finally getting my life back to some sort of normality. In a strange way I think it’s made me a better person and shown me what’s really important in life. Anyway I just wanted to thank you for writing this blog, stay strong sista and carry on kicking cancer’s arse. You Rock! Big love from me AJ xxx


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